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| Just when you think you know someone(continued) |
| 03.27.04 (5:09 pm) [edit] |
After a legal seperation for a year and one divorce, I made the mistake of going back to my husband. Believing he did in fact change and of course thinking of my children. He did change in some aspects of the previous relationship we had before. He was home more often, we spent more time together for awhile until his interest in computers falred once again. This time it was full force.
The mans job consisted of being on a computer for 8 hours. One would think that was more than enough time. Not for a true addict, He would come home after work and plant his ass in the recliner with a lap top resting on his thighs. After trying to change this, I could only look at him in disgust. I had no clue what he was doing on the computer at that time. I had believed him when he replied it was always work related.
We remarried shortly after we purchased our new house. I often ask myself why. Why was I so stupid as to marrying him once again? I remember that day as if it were yesterday. We chose to marry at our house. A simple wedding with a JP. I remember standing up there with him and feeling very nervous, a little queesy and briefly asking myself,"Do I really want to do this again?"
Then I looked at my children who appeared to be so happy. You know how children are. After their parents have split up, their greatest wish is to have them reunited. So with that stuck in my mind, I said "I do". At the time I had no idea what was in store for me.
Four days before the 911 attack occurred my life changed forever. A police officer showed up at our front door the evening of September 7th, the day before my long awaited vacation from work. My husband stepped out to talk to the officer. Unfortunately they walked to the driveway so I could not hear what was going on. A few minutes later my husband came in, grabbed his keys and said he would be back. I asked what was going on and all he would tell me was that he had to follow the police officer to the station and was not sure when he would be back.
Talk about being left in the dark. I was frantic at this point. A million scenarios..bad scenarios filled my head. How the hell was I suppose to sit still and just wait for his return without knowing what the hell was going on. I was frantic, upset, my entire body was shaking. I picked up the phone and called my sister, explained what had just happened and together we tried to come up with a reasonable explanation.
Shortly after I hung up the phone with my sister, my husband called from the police station. His exact words were"Well, I am just like my good buddy, Scott." I had to think for a minute. His good buddy was arrested for having oral sex with his girlfriends 16 year old daughter.
I remember his buddy doing time in jail for it and was recently released on parole. My heart stopped. I finally asked who it was. He told me to guess.
I didn't want to believe it was who I thought it was. When we had first purchased our house; shortly after we moved in, this young girl from the fire company started dropping by every day. My husband would buy her cigarettes. I had warned him that he could get in trouble for buying them for an underage child but he said he would never get caught. What I didn't know was it was all black mail. He was doing more than buying cigarettes. He was supporting her drug addiction as well as buying her alcohol. All for the price of a blow job and an easy lay when he wanted it.
Not once did I ever think that my husband and this 15 year old girl were having an affair. The idea is completely repulsive. Just when you think you know someone, you really don't.
My life as well as my childrens life changed forever after my husband; their father, got arrested for Sodomy in the first degree, rape in the first degree and 2 counts of endangering the welefare of a child. It took me a year to find out the truth. My husband had constantly reminded me that it had only happened once. In my heart, i knew better. I knew it happeend more than that. When i had asked why he did this, his comment was"She spread her legs and I dove right in." Meaning any woman who spreads her legs is an invitation. Boy, did that anger me. To this day that comment still angers me. It shows a sick desperation for satisfying sick needs despite who is involved and who it hurts.
I was driving myself insane trying to live a lie with a man I couldn't bare to look at. I contacted the young girls grandmother and invited her over for coffee. She had the proof of the affair. It was more than I expected, more than I was actually prepared for. She gave me every copy of e-mails between the two that she could scrape up before her grandaughter caught on. The e-mails depicted every disgusting detail, places in the house, etc. The affair actually began when the girl was 13 years old so when I remarried him, he was involved with her two years prior. The last sexual incident happened at my wedding reception where he tried to nail her in my bathroom.
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| Empty Promises, by cinnamon85 |
| 03.19.04 (5:09 pm) [edit] |
My dark prince, my angel in disguise,
A beautiful man, you were full of surprise.
Once a man who was full of such love and power,
I remember how you used to call me every hour.
How you used to play those stupid little mind games with me,
Always telling me my soul was fragile and you could set it free.
Alas, I was stupid enough to believe,
We would be together, just you and me.
I remember those endless nights I dreamt of you,
Everything you spoke of, I believed it to be true.
I let down my guard and opened my door,
Just you and me, I never wanted anything more.
You promised we would be husband and wife,
I am so glad I did not choose to live that life.
A man and a woman joined together,
How he promises to love her forever.
As he professes his love for her he is bragging to all of his friends,
There are other women in his life and that's the way it's always been.
They wait for him to come home at night,
They go to bed and hold eachother tight.
Another black bead is placed upon his string,
Too many women, he will never wear a ring.
Another woman he has put to the test,
Placed upon a pedestal with all of the rest.
Another woman, he toys with her mind and tugs at her heart,
Destroying the lives of others, he is the master of this art.
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| Last letter, by cinnamon85 |
| 03.18.04 (5:57 pm) [edit] |
I write you this letter,
Hoping to make it better.
I feel the time getting near,
I no longer carry the fear.
The fear of leaving everyone behind,
Everyone around me has all been kind.
Many things happen in ones life,
Certain events cut like a knife.
Often leaving us with no happiness or hope,
Reminding us that we are at the end of our rope.
I can honestly say that God has been good,
To make a few changes, I would if I could.
To cherish and love every moment I have had,
It was extremely hard on the days that were bad.
I want to thank my mom and dad for giving birth,
Their teachings of survival to live on this earth.
To teach my children what I was taught,
Their precious souls can not be bought.
This one last letter I write to you,
Our love and family will be true.
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| Weeping willows |
| 03.18.04 (5:43 pm) [edit] |
Dancing shadows performed in front of her underneath the moons bright gleam. A gentle warm breeze touches the branches of the weeping willow trees that waited for her just ahead. Their low swooping branches swing melodiously with the breeze, almost as if soft music were being played. The dirt path her bare feet walked upon felt slightly warm and very moist from the nights dew.
Like a candle flickering in a gentle breeze, the rays of the moon begin to dance, making it harder for her to see where she is going. She looks up into the sky; thick black clouds were quickly rolling in, threatening to snatch the moon completely away from her. She continued her journey the same as she did in all of her dreams.
Walking down the same dirt path as she kept her eyes focused on her destiny, the weeping willow trees. Each dream always ends the same. Her destiny lies between those weeping willow trees but she has never gotten slose enough. No matter how hard she has tried, her dreams would always end when she tried to push forward towards the weeping willows.
Like a flame burning brightly upon a candle stick; its flame swaying from side to side as a breeze kisses the tip of the flame, the moons bright ray of light begins to dim. She knew she did not have much time to reach the weeping willow trees. Her feet carried her faster, her heart pounded with excitement as well as fear.
Just as she slipped in between the two weeping willow trees, the moonlights gleam suddenly vanished, leaving her surrounded by nothing but complete darkness. Not one sound could be heard, not one single breeze could be felt upon her pale smooth skin. She stood motionless between the two weeping willows. Her hands tightly grasped her fast beating heart.
She felt an unknown fear, fear that she had never experienced before. Just as she turned to run for her life, she felt a pair of powerful arms wrap tightly around her neck. She tried to utter a scream but a pair of fingers began to push against her throat, causing a slight obstruction to her airway. Her trembling fingers reached upwards and grasped the powerful arms tightly. Thick course hair; much like animal hair, covered the arms.
She tried to pull his arms away but his strength was too great. Laughter bellowed loudly from his chest as he pressed his body hard against her. The creatures heart raced with excitement as her female scent intoxicated him. He could feel her weakness, feel her fear. Her body becomes limp in his powerful arms as he releases his grip encasing throat. Her head gently flops back, resting upon his unclothed hairy shoulder.
The creature smiles with delight as he gently kisses her neck.As she feels his hot warm breath touch her skin, memories of her life drift endlessly within her mind. Her heart no longer feels the desires she once felt. All that is left is a black hole, a feeling of dark emptiness. An emptiness she began to create on her own. Her poor soul was now forever lost, leaving her body too weak to fight the creature she had conjured.
A creature who will finally free her from all of life's suffering. All of the pain she has endured throughout her life will finally be erased forever. She releases her tight grip upon the creatures arms and allows them to fall carelessly at her side. A smile of peace touches her lips as she welcomes him, surrendering only to him. The creature picks her limp body up from the ground, cradles her tightly within his powerful arms and together they vanish into the darkness of night.
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| A short time later, by cinnamon85 |
| 03.18.04 (4:58 pm) [edit] |
I come to you in your dreams. My heart quickens as I scan your masculinity. The thought of consuming your entire being excites me. I must wait until you welcome me with open arms, accept your fate and invite me in to help you prove your existance. I place my hand firmly upon your chest, your heart beats calmly beneath my touch.
I feel your weakness and smell your fear. Aaahh, I breathe you in deeply, my love. You quiver in your slumber as you feel the warmth of my gentle finger tips caress your creamy white skin. The heat you feel from my finger tips is like the heat of a grass fire spreading across a field out of control, consuming anything standing in its way.
I can sense your hunger getting stronger now. Soon, you will have to unleash the rage you have built inside of you, give in to your thirst and become one with me. You open your eyes and gaze deeply into mine as though you are being hypnotized. I can hear your thoughts; your thoughts of insecurity, your curiosity and your questioning. You question yourself? Is this only a dream or have I merely become your imagination. You close your eyes tightly....I disappear into the darkness.
A short time later, I come upon you once more. Your eyes open to gaze deeply into mine as I approach your bedside. Ah, you have been expecting my presence once more, my love. You have been pondering my sheer existance, the ultimate power and guidance that only I can give you. You have become much weaker, easier for me to take you. Now I can finally claim what is trully mine, what has been mine all along.
I feel the deep hunger you harbor within...it is very strong this time. Tell me, my love. Do you want just a taste or do you want to succomb to your true existance? You feel my power as you open up your arms to welcome my love and our fate together. With out wasting a single second, I wrap my arms tightly around you and whisper "Let us begin our journey together, our acceptance of one another as it should be."
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| Just when you think you know someone |
| 03.13.04 (4:32 pm) [edit] |
Our marraige seemed to start off good despite all the stress we were facing. I was pregnant and both of us were attending Nursing School. The stress of being pregnant and trying to study for tests was absolute misery. I was only getting a few hours of sleep a night and no matter how hard I would study for the exams, I was not doing as well as I wanted. So I withdrew with every intention of returning after my son was born. My husband also withdrew and decided to attend a college.
To make a long story short, I never was able to return. Two years after my son was born, I found out I was pregnant with twin girls. That pregnancy alone was a difficult one. It required too many visits to the hospital due to premature labor. It put a damper on my husbands dreams of becoming a Registered Nurse. Of course, that was all my fault. In anger he took that out on me and blamed me for getting pregnant, causing all the medical bills.
He was working two jobs; driving school bus in the afternoon and working nights as a Certified Nurses Assistant and attending Boces for his LPN. Meanwhile I was home raising all the children by myself and babysitting three kids. The babysitting didn't last too long because the youngest baby was the same age as my twin girls. I felt like I was taking care of triplets. Aside from that, the mother of the children expected me to teach her children how to read, learn the alphabet, learn to write. You know, run kindergarten in my house. Now how in the world can anyone find the time taking care of three infants, two three year olds and a five year old. So I quickly dropped that job and decided to concentrate on my own family.
My husband was hardly home. I was basically a single mother throughout our marraige. On his days off he chose to spend the day with his mother, evenings with the computer. The computer was his life and to this day it still is. It ended up lasnding him a good paying job without having to go to college. A 60,000 a year job for the price of a marraige. Marraige number one anyway.
Many issues arised in our marraige. Money was always a big issue. My husband was very stingy with it. If our children needed diapers, formula, even groceries, he would buy them but I had to pay him back. There was never a 50/50 partnership. It was a one way relationship. I put forth every effort and for what. I always reminded myself I was in this for the children. I can remember looking back on my grandparents marraige or even my parents. They stay married for 50 some odd years and you know every relationship has it's ups and downs. But you tell yourself that you must stay together for the childrens sake regardless of how rough it gets.
I learned the hard way. It is harder on your children to stay in a marraige just for them. Children are far from stupid. No matter how hard you try to hide sadness, anger, and frustration they still sense it. It puts more stress on them to remain unhappy for the rest of your life. Or at leaste until they grow up and begin their own lives.
My marraige really started to go down hill when my girls turned 2. My husband and I barely had two words to say to eachother. Partly because he was never home. My kids really weren't aware they had a father if that tells you anything. When we did speak he always put me down. One example "I never have to worry about you having an affair because no one out there would want you." That hurt because I certainly never felt attractive back then. I weighed 300 pounds and felt like shit about myself. That was 11 years ago. Now I can proudly say I weigh 128 and maintained 11 years. Thats a whole different story. Of course he wasn't anything sexy to look at either. He was pushing 385.
Of course he was into porn..mre than I ever realized at the time. His obsession with what was performed in those trashy movies put a major damper on my sex life as well as my social life. He expected me to perform like the women he has seen in those movies. He treated me like a whore and embarrassed me in public by telling his buddies that I do not like to perform oral sex. In all honesty, it would help if it was washed. Thats all I need to comment about that subject.
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| Just when you think you know someone |
| 03.06.04 (11:47 am) [edit] |
I think anyone is lucky if they trully know a person for whom they really are. That's almost a miracle in itself, really. I once thought I knew my ex-husband but two years ago but I found out differently. It certainly wasn't a pleasant discovery. The things he has done I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. Truth be known, I have no enemies...not even him. Just alot of anger, some of which has subsided in the last two years. My children and I have healed, moved on for the better but we will never forget, especially them. They are the ones who have to carry the scar for the rest of their life.
This part of my life will be in bits and pieces, as was all my findings. I had to play private detective to get all the information I needed to end my marraige a second time, without enduring the black mail my ex thought he could get away with. Black mail was his specialty and having been married to him twice, I learned alot the second time around.
You are probably asking yourself the same question I have asked myself alot in the last two years. "You married the same man twice even though the first time around didn't work? Are you an idiot?" Well, I guess I can only say that he had shown alot of good changes the second time around as opposed to the first.
I first met my ex back in 1988, we were both seniors in highschool. We attended different schools but both attended a vocational school(Boces). Boces was a school offering professional careers for tthe future. After you graduated highschool and Boces, they would set you up with a job pertaining to the course you enrolled in. My ex and I were in the Nursing Assistant program together.
He had taken it one year prior to me and was in his second year. I took the course for a year. Over that year we became the best of friends. In Februrary of 1989(Valentines day) he sent me a dozen of long stemmed red roses, a card and his class ring, asking me to go steady with him. Of course I said yes. Our relationship progressed quickly. I had fallen hopelessly in love, or so I thought. I had dated a few guys before I met my ex-husband but I never felt as comfortable with them as I did with my ex. I believed my ex was the man I was going to share the rest of my life with.
My ex proposed to me in the month of April. He took me to a jewelry store in the town he lived in, asked me to pick out the ring I liked. That was how he propsed to me. Of course he chose the ring and it was under a 100 dollars. I know that shouldn't matter but as I get into my whole marital biography you will see that he is cheap, selfish and very greedy.
When our class found out we were engaged, a friend of mine approached me with a concern. She pulled me aside and warned me not to marry my ex because he had gotten involved with her 42 year old mother the summer before he and I met. At first I wasn't sure whether or not I should believe her because my ex had mentioned once before that she once had a crush on him and was interested in datiung him. He claims he turned her down but of course she had turned against him when he was caught with her mother.
When I had my ex alone I asked him about it. He didn't deny it. He said he stupidly got involved with our classmates mother, claiming that her mother had seduced him. Apparently he had been going over to her house to help her and one day she backed him up against the wall and kissed him. He claims he lost all control and one thing led to another. Then the husband walked in and caught them. From what my ex explained, the womans husband allowed him to leave without a scar, believing that my ex was only 17 and didn't know what he was doing. From what I had been told my ex wasn't her first victim. She apparently prayed upon the weak and vulnerable. So with that mess he had lost a friend, the mothers daughter.
My future in-laws had told me that was a rough summer for him. My ex didn't want anyone to know so he took off to Buffalo for a couple of days, contemplating suicide. His parents received a phone call from the older womans husband who had told them what he had caught their son doing. It took them three days to find their son.
My ex had assured me that it was a one time thing, he was no longer depressed about it and something like that would never happen again. I believed him. As for my parents, my mother warned me once we became engaged. Of course I told her about his summer fling and she told me that she had a feeling he hadn't learned his lesson. Sometimes people just can't change no matter how much effort was put into it. Taking that into consideration we still remained engaged.
In the month of May I found out I was 2 months along with my son. I was too afraid to tell my parents about it so one night I snuck out of the house and moved out. Throughout my teenage years my mother always reminded me that if I had ever gotten pregnant while living under her roof, she would either make me have an abortion or carry the baby full term and force me to give the baby up. Now you know why I was too chicken to face them. I thought sneaking out in the middle of the night would be the easiest. Of course as I look back on it now, it wasn't the smartest thing to do.
Of course my parents were in an uproar. As soon as I found out I was prengnant my ex had already had a trailer rentd for us to live in. At the time I moved in his parents were away at Niagra Falls. Of course his parents didn't take it hard like my parents did. My mother convinced us to marry as soon as possible because she refused to have her pregnant daughter walking down the aisle. So we married the end of May in 1989.
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| The Night Roamer, by cinnamon85 |
| 03.05.04 (12:52 pm) [edit] |
Oh lord, now I lay me down to sleep,
I silently pray as I begin to weep.
I ask for strength as I surrender to the pain,
I have everything to loose and nothing to gain.
Urges from within intensify with each new day,
Until recently abstinance has been the only way.
Physically my body has changed,
My thoughts appear to be derranged.
Lucid memories constantly fill my mind,
Never had I dreamed of living this life.
As I think of my past my tears are released,
Too many friends and family are now deceased.
Roaming the dimly lit streets late at night,
Telling myself everything will be alright.
I no longer have anyone to turn to,
A person I can trust with the truth.
I beg to thee as I shed my last tear,
Can't I finish my life without fear?
I thought I could place my past behind me,
Start a new beginning and finally be free.
Peace and serenity I desire to achieve.
Somehow I will allow myself to be free.
I will no longer be looked upon as the night roamer,
Roaming the streets in search of a vulnerable donor.
A new man entering a new life,
To be a man filled with pride.
This is how I would like to be remembered until that fateful day,
I beg thee one last time, give me the courage and show me the way.
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| Hold me close, by cinnamon85 |
| 03.05.04 (12:35 pm) [edit] |
I once prayed there would never come a day,
When you would come to me and blatanly say.
I am sorry I have to go my sweet baby,
You will always be my very special lady.
I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath,
My heart aches painfully as you say the rest.
With each painful word my sharp ears hear,
My heart shatters as I release the warm tears.
You once promised me you would never leave,
Nothing in this life is ever what it seems.
Once there was a time,
When I was first in line.
Nothing in this life ever seemed to matter when you were around,
I should have kept my feet planted firmly upon the ground.
My heart is breaking as I feel the pain,
Making up silly excuses I portray as lame.
I once prayed there would come a day,
You would hold me close and want to stay.
I had prayed that you would soon realize,
You were the one who always made me cry.
We sheepishly promise that we will never part,
Forever promising that we are eachothers heart.
I once prayed there would come a day you would hold me close,
Holding me tight as you promised you would never let me go.
I took a step back and waited to see,
You already knew where you wanted to be.
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| Just a little intro |
| 03.02.04 (1:37 pm) [edit] |
A basic intro; I am a 33 year old female, mother of three. I work full time in the health care profession. On a colorful side I could tell you that I am a professional ass wiper. But truthfully we do much more than that. More than what we get paid for. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I hate all the bull shit that comes with it.
Healthcare certainly isn't all that it is cracked up to be. I see all these young people fresh out of school signing up for nursing courses because they feel they have this passionate side and they see nursing as a loving, caring profession. They look at it as they would a new romance. They have no clue as to what sort of journey they are going to embark.
It is really sad. I once looked at Nursing that way myself. 15 years ago when nursing was all about caring for the individual and not how much money a facility or hospital could drain from a patient. The future for healthcare looks pretty scary right about now. All the cutbacks that are taking place, affecting patients as well as employees.
Everytime I grab a newspaper or listen to the news via radio or television, all I hear about is medical cutbacks and job layoffs. The question is, will there be healthcare in 20 or 30 years? Heres an arguement that could go on for a lifetime.
Well, enough about all of that. It is depressing and I am not feeling depressed. I am usually a happy go lucky person these days. I will say at least the last two years. Before then I was a mess. Living with my ex husband all the crap he put my children and I through. That is a whole different subject and I will write about that. It certainly won't be pretty but it will feel so good to write about it.
One of my passions in life, aside from my children, is writing. I write poetry as well as short stories and have been lucky enough to have some of my poems published. I also have a passion for playing piano and painting. Sometimes it is difficult to find time to do all of the things I like to do.
So be patient with me.
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